I effin' get the bloody vibe already!!!! Now I get it.

We are...

a yes and a no.

a black and a white.

two relationships coexisting.

At the back of my mind, I wanted to ask you out to Puerto at least on your last few days in Manila. You asked me if I wanted to go but... I'll be in Japan. Sayang. I would've been... >:) Hahaha.

Now that the Puerto plan is foiled, I guess I shall rely on my other going away plans for you whether we have a future or not. <3

Can't wait for Friday. Burn Notice Marathon with you. That should be fun. :D

I'm missing you. After having you all to myself for a few hours today, I'm glad that normal is setting in again. That's all I have to say.

I can't wait to see you again.

I can't wait to hold your hand again.

I can't wait to kiss you again.

I can't wait to see you smile again.

Most of all,

I can't wait to say how I feel. :)

After a delicious breakfast at dinner time, I got some old and new insights on my pressing matter with you. I told you everything but goodbye and now that I didn't, I'm glad.

I hope to get as much as you do out of our thing. I hate to admit how I feel and I think it's obvious with you but I want you to know that you make me happy. It's that simple.

If this thing goes down in flames eventually, I want you to know that I don't regret any of it because not having to experience things with you I think is a fate worse than hurting because of you. Yeah, I'm this twisted for you already. I won't ask any more from you. I just want your time and your affection. Though we may be in varying levels in this thing, I'll give it a try. Maybe we can learn something from this. Something about second chances, falling in love, unfamiliar familiarity and such.

I'm already happy but you make me happier. That's all I have to say.

Just like this blog, I can't seem to tear it down completely. I abandon it for a while and when I find something worthwhile in it, I divulge my attention to it all over again. I had the chance to tell you I can't do this anymore but I couldn't. Maybe I was afraid that the pain of goodbye would be the (metaphorical) death of me. Maybe I am the weak one. I found comfort in words I couldn't even recognize if they were heartfelt or not. When you told me you still want to do this, I thought that small spark of opportunity is enough for my breaking heart to thrive on maybe because you're that too great of a chance that I could pass on if I say goodbye for good. I know it's hard to let go but this time, if I actually do, you won't see me anymore.

I've given up time and again. It's annoying because I'm not even legally allowed to do this. I don't have a committed relationship to hang on or to work on. I want to tie you down but I know it's better if you come to me with your willingness.

I want you to change for the better, for you and for me. You and me. There is no us, it's just you and me because we are never that group, we have no affiliation other than friends. A little degrading from our current situation or at least, from my side of the story. I could say that I always fall in love a little too fast and it's scary. I hope you know that I'm doing the best I can even though it's a little too toxic for me.

I want to be free but I fear that the freedom I could pursue will be the last I'll see of you. This is stupid, irrational, whatever. I know that I'm better than this but I want to endure this if it means that I'll have you after all of this is through. The scary thing is that you might not even be there given the one month break you will get for summer.

I might have to ask you to push me. You have to push me farther away from you because I know that it might be the only way I could leave. You have to kick me out of the door. You don't need me. I don't need you but I want you. I need to walk away.