Instead of focusing on my pending work for Literature class and Anthropology class, I am instead wasting my life on the dining table surfing mindlessly through the internet as usual. As most of my friends know, I feel destined to grow up to be a fun-loving spinster making the most out of the deterioration of my remaining years. That is, until today happened.
What exactly happened today? I have been so dry of writing good stuff that the very sudden urge to write something leads my fingers to the black comfy keyboard of my 3-year old laptop to speak my mind. Not the exact point. This is: I am eating a sauteed corned beef swimming in yellow oil and garlic when it dawned on my that I was almost practically alone in the house today, til hopefully 2 PM where Jolo will hopefully meet me in Greenbelt a little later for an orchestra concert. Plus points for Literature and my ears get to hear something refreshing. My audiophile self has been drowning in sad sappy alternative songs that make a whole lot of sense when you listen to the lyrics. Anyway. All I hear is the humming of the energy-consuming fridge while my eyes probably reflecting a white sparkle from the florescent bulbs on the ceiling. It dawned on me. A few years from now, it’s gonna be always this way. No boyfriend, no friends, no family. Just me and the humming fridge with a semi-perfect temperature given by the just-turned-off air conditioner. Out of topic again. Here is goes. All that there was in this house is silence and the magnification that I was alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Disrupting the Tina-Alby moment yesterday, I saw them holding hands. For the first time in a really long time, I missed holding someone’s hand. Someone not of kin or friendly relationship with me. I missed holding your hand but most of all, I miss you. Inasmuch as I want to go forward, I guess I’m stuck here waiting and hoping that we could connect the broken lines that we left. The sad thing is, I think you’ve moved on and what’s only left is me walking back to that spot where I left us and wanting to pull you back. My friends are right. The then you and I are very much different from the now you and I. Maybe there’s no us anymore. But until that day I find someone else and that someone else to find me, I wouldn’t want anyone but you.
“I wouldn’t want anyone but you.” Ew. Talk about effin cheesy statements. Another factor that made me look back again was the airport scene of Vince’s Life book 2. The airport scene. Vince was halfway to Pagudpud when he realized that there’s no Andrea anymore. He calls Cat and tells her that he’s going. Vince arrived in Manila missing the flight but upon arriving at the airport, there she was. Standing on the boarding area waitng for him. May I please melt right now? I want that. I want a love story like Vince Teves’ and not a string of frustrations, more than friends less than lovers, the one who got aways and what might have beens. I want the real thing, not the almost real thing.
As I say again, until that day I find someone else and that someone else to find me, I don’t want anyone but you.
*posted November 29, 2008.
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That is, until today. I wanted to give it a chance, a thought, a shot or whatcha call it. You've made it perfectly clear there's no future in this. I rest my case. I know I've lost even before I laid my cards down. It's clear. Nine days and counting... Time is running out... It's over even before it began.
If I could just wish away these feelings, believe me I would have wished them away the moment I felt it again but I can't. I can't because the magic stays. The magic thrives on irrational pain, the self-inflicted one and the promise of hope in the self-validation. Everybody wants to see someone who reflects a piece of him/herself in someone's eyes. I can't be your friend. Not like this... It's not just gonna work.
