| This is the time to look back at who I was and who I am now. So many things have changed, unsure if it was for the better or for the worse. Just when I thought that I couldn't care any less of what will happen, something suddenly eats up my insides slowly. I don't want to be the person he thinks about after ten or twenty years when he's all settled down with two or three kids and think to himself, "She's the one who got away." or "It wasn't meant to be" or worse, "It meant nothing." It means something to me and it will always will. I've held back when I was with Aids. I know I could've done better and Aids will always be the one who got away for me but I wish he saw that I'm ready now. I'm ready for new beginnings and I would be his if only he asked me to. I was ready to be with him. I want me to be the love he keeps coming back to. I want to keep trying until we get it right. I don't know if my talent, or strength, or passion, or whatever positive side of me was inadequate to make me survive on my toes for the next forty or so years of my life. I don't resent anymore, I just wonder... what if I push through with what I really really want? At this point in time, I want to be a broadcaster. He's the only one who talks to me about it and keeps pushing me to go for it. My lifestyle dictates for me to be otherwise. My lifestyle wants me to be a doctor. I wanted to be one when I was little but as you know, things change. As of now, I'm just forcing every inch of my thumbs not to text him to see how he's been or whatnot. I want to but it's best not to. I don't want to run after him. I think I have to save enough dignity for myself to stop chasing after every boy I want. This just won't work. Give me my heart, please. I want it back now. I gave it away and now it's time for it to come back to me. I need myself to be heartless again. I need to be stoic again. I need that feeling of invincibility, not of superhumanity. - posted January 5, 2009 |
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What I Really Want.
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